"For the love of God, pull yourself together and do not look at things darkly: the first step backward makes a poor impression in the army, the second step is dangerous, and the third becomes fatal."
Frederick the Great (1712-86) letter to a general.
Woke to the day feeling an air of doom.
The rain slashing against my bedroom window in spurts of savagery, reminding me of the precariousness of life.
Arrived at work in a dark mood. And in my current profession, teaching, can influence many…
No matter how I tried today to shed these feelings and thoughts of emptiness, the darkness continued and prevailed for the best part of the day.
These feelings of melancholia, has or is part of who I am…at least biologically.
It isn’t necessary to go into my family mental history, but let me say, generally and specifically, had been a rough one for a few individuals.
Everything pissed me off. The petty politics: the disrespectful children: certain staff who seem to be hell bent on destroying the school; the children who are genuinely sick or in a home situation that is literally killing them…and I am, at this point, powerless to do anything about it.
My only saving grace today was a real friend, that kind of person who has a natural empathy, a real love for the world. Her smile, her persistent love of life, her almost dogged attitude, that life is a gift and must never be wasted, saved my life today.
I somehow got to the place where I wished that it would all end…and my friend came through, a kind and loving person saved me, without, really, knowing it.
Now in the lightness of day and stark reality, my wish for non-existence, almost came true…
Be careful what you wish for.
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